| Half hearted skips and dreading duty |
[21 Oct 2010|05:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
I'm sad. =(
But oh well, moving forward. If I'm going to be a bum after work, I might as well be a productive bum. =P
|
|
| Mid Tuesday Ponderations |
[05 Oct 2010|11:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lethargic |
] |
Hmm.
I think I've become emotionally unavailable.
But I dont think it counts for much.
Oh well.
|
|
| Of Keeping Afloat |
[30 Sep 2010|06:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
Just swimming along, swimming along.
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
I've no idea who said that, but thats a good quote. =)
The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it.
Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. People, well, they die.
But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.
by Chuck Palahniuk
Ain't that the truth. =D
But then, as Rachel quotes Paloma Faith, do you want the truth, or something beautiful?
I'd rather have the truth, cuz there is always beauty to be found in truth. There are truths that sting and hurt and harm, yes. But no lies. I've had it up to hear with stories that lie all the time.
Lol. Just rambling.
In other words, i dont care what anyone else says, but I'm absolutely loving the weather this week.
|
|
| Its always the little things |
[14 Sep 2010|12:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
Before It Explodes by Bruno Mars
It's not a question of love,
Cause our love has never changed.
But all the little things keep piling up,
And life keeps getting in the way.
Don't make this harder than it is,
We both knew it'd come to this.
Better now than in a year,
With lots of tears,
And we both hate eachother.
The fuse has already lit,
So how about a final kiss?
And just let it go
Stop the madness,
Before it explodes!
Before it's out of our control.
Let's stop the madness,
Before it explodes!
We gotta let it go,
Before it all explodes.
Some things we won't understand,
And we're both so tired of being misunderstood.
So let's just turn and walk away,
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
And hold on to what was good.
Don't make this harder than it is,
We both knew it'd come to this.
Better now than in a year,
With lots of tears,
And we both hate eachother.
The fuse has already lit,
So how about a final kiss?
And just let it go
Stop the madness,
Before it explodes!
Before it's out of our control.
Let's stop the madness,
Before it explodes!
We gotta let it go,
Before it all explodes.
Before it explodes!
Before it's out of our control.
Let's stop the madness,
Before it explodes!
We gotta let it go,
Before it all explodes.
I think back sometimes, on that last few weeks. We really were avoiding the inevitable, weren't we. Not that I regret it. I dont regret what we had, in all honesty.
Its not anger anymore. Its indifference. You broke my heart into a million pieces that night.
But you made me stronger.
And for that, I'm grateful.
In other news, this is a very nice song. =)
|
|
| Lonely Is A Freedom |
[29 Aug 2010|09:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
How To Be Lonely by Tanya Davis
If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.
We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.
There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).
And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.
And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.
Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.
The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.
Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.
Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself
Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.
You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.
Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.
It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.
And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that community's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.
you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
To all the lonely hearts out there, myself included, I think we need to learn, that there is freedom, in loneliness. =)
|
|
| Sad Songs |
[29 Aug 2010|12:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad |
] |
I guess she won.
Wee.
I'm Kicking Myself by As Tall As Lions
heard your broken voice on the telephone
made my heavy heart sink like a stone
and after all this time, i should have known
you'd let me down
right down to the bone
you know you're right, im incomplete
and i could never write down what i mean
and if you told me that the world, was ending tonight
that's alright by me
hey babe
i feel as though, i failed you
i feel as though, you don't want me
i keep kickin' myself
they say that anything can be replaced
found another girl to pass the days
she is beautiful, she has your face
their is nothing, time will not erase
and hey babe, I feel as though I've lost you
and I feel as though, you dont want me
and I keep kickin' myself
and lately, when i sleep alone
i feel that, i oughta learn
you dont need me
just stop kidding myselfM
I is sad. =(
|
|
| I 'almost' wanted a chocolate milkshake today |
[25 Aug 2010|11:55am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
apathetic |
] |
Then I settled for a magnum ice cream bar. =D
Listening to Brandy. Feeling this song at the moment.
Almost Doesnt Count by Brandy
Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I didn't I
You almost had me thinkin'
You were turned around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
I can't keep on lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for
Gonna find me somebody
Not afraid to let go
Want a no doubt be there kind of man
You came real close
But everytime you built me up
You only let me down
And everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Maybe you'll be sorry
Maybe you'll be cold
Maybe you'll come runnin' back, baby
From the cruel cruel world
Almost convince me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
So maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see ya around
That's the way it goes
Almost doesn't count
Other than that, I think I'm listening to more country. My mum is gonna like my music tastes now. *laughs*
|
|
| I think I just need sleep |
[17 Aug 2010|04:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
Its one of those days where you feel slightly off-centre.
Where you kinda feel like you're in a bit of a rut, and you dont know where to go from here.
I just want to know what my next step should be.
Be open to the possibilities. Just be open.
|
|
| Baby Blue Eyes |
[23 Jul 2010|05:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
Suddenly the future seems promising. =)
*yawns* im actually rather sleepy. But its a good kind of sleepy. A content kind of sleepy. A puts a smile on my face kind of sleepy.
Going to have a packed weekend ahead. Aand I'm running out of shows to watch. Buh.
|
|
| Question Of The Moment |
[18 Jul 2010|09:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 curious |
] |
Hmm. I'm just wondering what tomorrow will bring.
|
|
| What You Said |
[13 Jul 2010|04:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
Oh, he make me so mad sometimes.
Memory after memory after memory.
How he twisted his words around right at the very end, and slammed down everything that I thought I was fighting for.
That I thought we were fighting for.
The problem with having a pretty good memory?
I remember everything he said.
My girlfriend is big enough. She can tie her own shoelaces.
Those are just words.
You were the last person I wanted to talk to. You were being so emotionally bleah.
I have no patience to deal with you right now.
And the kicker?
How he still had the cheek to tell ME that that was not MY worst.
Again with the comparisons with everyone that has gone before.
Oh, he makes me so mad.
And you know whats even more maddening? That he will forget everything. As if nothing happened.
Lucky bastard.
And then, he'll label this as nothing more than an emotional rant.
And then it all comes back. How it was so easy for him to just want to break up after a fight. He really did just want to break up in the beginning.
That he forgot every single memory that we had, and just wanted out.
I was, at the end, nothing more than a bleeding cage to him.
Oh, he makes me so. Mad.
|
|
| Deceive. Derision. Decide. |
[12 Jul 2010|04:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
Here We Are by Lene Marlin
Keeping my distance
I look but I don't really see
It's like things lose their color
And people are walking right through me
To not pay attention
Not easy to see what's passing you by
I gave it a try
Did not see you coming my way
Now you wanna hold my hand
You chose to take it
The truth is that I never really thought we'd make it
Here we are
No chance I'm leaving
Ideas of love and life for sure can be deceiving
Here we are now
How come it just happened?
By that moment I should've known
A purpose of meeting
Like then I did not believe you so
Somehow you got to me
Never again will I put up a fight
When everything's right
Finally everything's right
Now you wanna hold my hand
You chose to take it
The truth is that I never really thought we'd make it
Here we are
No chance I'm leaving
Ideas of love and life for sure can be deceiving
Here we are now
Now you wanna hold my hand
You chose to take it
The truth is that I never really thought we'd make it
Here we are
No chance I'm leaving
Ideas of love and life for sure can be deceiving
Hold my hand
You chose to take it
The truth is that I never really thought we'd make it
Here we are
No chance I'm leaving
Ideas of love and life for sure can be deceiving
Here we are now
Here we are now
Its that time where random memories just pop up in my head. A friend told me it always hurts when you start living inside your head. When you relive the memories.
I'm not going to fight it yet though.
Let the memories come.
|
|
| A Stray Thought |
[09 Jul 2010|02:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
apathetic |
] |
Sorry by Daughtry
Will you listen to my story?
It'll just be a minute
How can I explain?
What ever happened here
Never meant to hurt you
How could I cause you so much pain?
When I say I'm sorry
Will you believe me?
Listen to my story
Say you wont leave me
When I say I'm sorry
Can you forgive me?
When I say I'll always be there
Will you believe
Will you believe me?
All the words that I come up with
They're like gasoline on flames
There's no excuse
No explaination
Belive me
If I could I'd undo what I did wrong
I'd give away all that I own
When I say I'm sorry
Will you believe me?
Listen to my story
Say you wont leave me
When I say I'm sorry
Can you forgive me?
When I say I'll always be there
Will you believe
Will you believe me?
If I told you
I've been cleaning my soul
And if I promised you
I'll regain control
Will you open your door
And let me in?
Take me for who I am
And not for who I've been?
Who I've been...
When I say I'm sorry
Will you believe me?
Listen to my story
Say you wont leave me
When I say I'm sorry
Can you forgive me?
When I say I'll always be there
Will you believe?
When I say I'm sorry
(When I say I'm sorry)
When I say I'm sorry
(When I say I'm sorry)
When I say I'm sorry
Can you forgive me?
When I say I'll always be there
Will you believe?
Right now?
No.
|
|
| Afternoon musings |
[07 Jul 2010|02:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
Anger ...
It's a paralyzing emotion
You can't get anything done.
People sort of think it's an interesting, passionate, and igniting feeling
I don't think it's any of that
It's helpless
It's absence of control
And I need all of my skills, all of the control, all of my powers ...
And anger doesn't provide any of that
I have no use for it whatsoever.
TONI MORRISON, interview with Don Swaim, 1987
There are times when I get angry. When I can feel the stirrings of an emotional outburst just starting to manifest in my heart. I think back, of all that we've gone through, of all the fights that we have had, the words we've said. Of the sacrifices made.
Of the fact that I loved him so much more than he ever did for me.
Then I get hurt. And I get angry.
Did he not see that I cared for him? That I would have dropped everything that I was doing, without a moment's hesitation, and come straight to him if he had asked me to do so? That whatever made him happy, made me happy. So I did all I could.
But he took me for granted. Every time when I needed him, he just was never there. I became needy and clingy, taking whatever scraps of attention I could get from him. It felt like that most of the time.
I don't think he appreciated me very much now.
Then I get angry at myself. For letting things get this far. For not loving myself enough to know that this wasn't right, and get myself out. So many a time I could have left, but I chose not to.
Because, for a time, I really did believe he was my everything.
I refused to believe that, if it was so easy for him to just let me go, then he really wasn't the person I wanted to be with.
On hindsight, I was rather naive wasn't I? And foolish. I just wanted my first relationship to work out.
When anger walks it is strongest; let it rest and it gets weak.
EDWARD COUNSEL, Maxims
I let the anger stir for a while more.
Then I take a step back, and let it go.
Because you see, despite everything, I do believe it was something I had to go through, in order to grow.
I had so many fantasies about what love was. I read up on so many books and stories, listened to other people's experiences, so that when the time came for me to be in a relationship, I'd know what to do.
*laughs* I was so silly. =)
I do have my ideals. But I think I learnt from this, to be a lot more realistic.
And to give myself more credit honestly. There is compromise, and then there's giving in. I think I somewhat learnt the difference between those two phrases.
To his credit, I know that he did try. And for a time, I made myself believe that that was enough.
But its not.
And while I do get angry, I refuse to blame you or myself for it.
Aish, this process of grieving and healing. Does take its time doesn't it?
Until next time. =)
|
|
| Swimming, swimming |
[04 Jul 2010|11:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
Hola everyone!
So, the week has flown by. A lot has happened. If anything, what's happened has cemented the fact that my family will always be there for me, and that I have the most wonderful friends in all the world, both old, and new. =)
As for me, I'm doing alright. Like they say, once you've hit rock bottom, the only way left to go is up.
You see, I'm tired. I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of worrying all the time, even when I know I shouldn't be worrying in the first place. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of constantly keeping things together, knowing that if I break, everything will break with me. I'm tired of being strong all the time for something that isn't that strong in the first place.
I'm tired of NOT being happy. I'm tired of NOT laughing.
I'm tired of pushing my hopes and dreams on someone who's not ready for it. I know that one day he'll be ready. Just not right now. And not with me.
Most of all, I'm tired of being tired all the time.
So that's that. I've a feeling I'll be riding the emotional highs and lows for a while, at least. First love, first break-up. Thats going to take its toil.
But I'll be alright. I have my family, and my friends. I have a job that I love, despite the number of times I feel like it sucks the life and soul out of me. I still love it. I experienced something which I'll always remember. He did teach me many things, about myself, and the world.
So it wasn't ALL bad.
I don't want to live my life with any regrets. One day, I'll look back at all this, and say that it was something I had to go through, in order to grow. When that day comes, I'll then know that I've made my peace.
But for now, its time to look forward. With a smile on my face, and a spring in my step.
And the knowledge that, at the end of all things, I will be happy. (Had to semi-quote you here Rachel love. *hugs*)
Ciao!
P.S.: Although if the Universe could like, I don't know, bring TRUCKLOADS of eye candy along the way, it would REALLY help in the healing process, me thinks. =P
Loves to all!
|
|
| And the skies finally clear |
[29 Jun 2010|11:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
Surfing through the web, decided to listen to Ne Yo. I absolutely adore that man. Ne Yo, please do come to Singapore. Hee.
Anyhoo, I found my theme song. <3
Better Today by Ne Yo
Whoa oh, whoa oh.
Whoa oh, whoa oh.
Whoa oh, oh.
You see it all in my smile.
You hear it all in my laugh.
The way I walk, you hear me talk.
And know I'm no longer sad.
I got no reason to smile more now than I've ever had.
I open up my eyes and realize that nothing's quite that bad.
I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion.
Keeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean.
Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes.
Unless happiness be the reason that I decide to cry.
And life's too short to dwell on all that's wrong.
Stand up now, stand up now and I promise not before long.
You'll be feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
Much better today.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
You're feeling so much better.
I know about down and out.
I know about when it gets tough.
Losing my fight, can't see the light.
And you just wanna give up.
I know about being depressed.
By needing someone to love.
I also know by standing up and saying enough is enough.
Oh, I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion.
Keeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean.
Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes.
Unless happiness be the reason I decide to cry.
And life's too short to dwell on all that's wrong.
Stand up now, stand up now and I promise not before long.
You'll be feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
Much better today.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
You're feeling so much better.
(Ohh whoa. Oh whoa, whoa)
(Oooh)
I feel like if I try, I could fly away right now.
All because I've finally found my smile.
(x2)
And you'll be feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
Much better today.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
You're feeling so much better.
I'm moving forward people! Universe, just watch me.
|
|
| Be strong |
[23 Jun 2010|05:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
I think its time I be strong for myself now.
|
|
| God can be funny |
[21 May 2010|01:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
How come my timing just seems to be wrong.
EDIT: Ladida. So dramatic for what right. Like Damien said, I need a hobby, other than being annoying.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
jyuneen's journal